Key Waste Vs Key West

Key Waste, a Dublin based rubbish collection service. Key West, a Dublin based rubbish pop band. Both important to society? Both would have us believe so, both demand our money on a daily basis, but which is more important? Which “Key W” can we live without? There’s really only one way to find out. We’ll put these two beasts head to head, and see who is left standing at the end.

Usefulness 

Key Waste offer a service; “commercial waste, general skip hire and hazardous waste services.”, indeed they invented a thing called the “BabySkip” bag, which one can only assume is a smaller skip type bin contraption, because an actual skip for babies would just be too horrifying to contemplate. Though probably not unheard of in developing countries and dubious religious institutions. Key West offer only their music, which technically ISN’T a service, because nobody hired them to do it. No, this chirpy, happy bunch take to the streets with only the song in their hearts as a contract, and the music in their veins as a calling.

WINNERS : Key Waste. It was a close call, but the green trucked waste management company edged out the plucky pop band, thanks only to their many business contracts and regular paying customers.

Singing Ability

Key West have managed to make a name for themselves as a music band, singing songs and playing their own instruments on Grafton Street, come rain or shine. This is the stuff that can make or break a band. This may seem to make the lads a dead cert for victory in this round, but facts are facts, and the Dublin/London quintet have never scored that valuable number one slot, whereas legendary skiffle grinning mong Lonnie Donegan reached number one in the British, Australian, Canadian and New Zealand singles charts in 1960 with his waste collection anthem “My Old Man’s A Dust Man”, so this knocks this round on its head and leaves Key West in the dust.

Winners : Key Waste have wiped the floor in this round, and put the detritus in the bag, ready for collection.

Promo Photographs

For a company who pride themselves on their growing business contracts, 25 vehicles, and 45 staff members, Key Waste would be expected to have a portfolio of glossy promo photos, to further enhance their image as a company on the up. Not so. A cursory glance at their website shows scant images of lads with haircuts, looking off in the distance at something interesting or mysterious. “Our Strategic objective is to continue investing into the company and utilise new and existing available technologies to allow us to offer our customers cost effective recovery and recycling services whilst being environmentally conscious.” may be the successful waste collection outfits business plan, but everyone knows that you’ll never cut it in this image concious world without a few beach shots of guys in sports coats, which our fashion savvy Key West boys have in spades.

key gimps

winner : Finally, a tick in the win box for the chaps of Key West. Are we seeing Rumble In The Jungle style late onslaught of pluck, moxy and busking?

Revenue

At the request of this author, Key Waste would not divulge their annual turn over, and not even a bribe of a 6 pack of Karpackie could loosen the tongues of any of the bin lorry drivers I pestered, so this could be a shaky round for the Dublin based waste shifters. So, I went to Key West official website to get the low-down on what should be a walk in the park for these busking musketeers. Is “Busketeers” a thing? Well it is now. “Keywest are one of the most played Irish bands on the radio. After performing a sell out tour of the country and exceeding a whopping 2 million youtube views, their popular is rapidly growing. 30,000 people like them on Facebook, 20,000 ears want to hear what they have to say on Twitter and they have graced stages like Oxegen, Galway Arts, Volvo Ocean Race, Live At The Marquee in Cork and the O2 in Dublin.” it states triumphantly, and this SEEMED like an open and shut bag of used tea bags and Pedigree Chum; the young men of Key West would take this round and go into a tie breaker. It was with horror that it dawned on me… None of the above actually equals revenue. Facebook likes, YouTube hits and Twitter “Listeners” are invisible stats that count for nothing when rent needs to be paid, bin charges go up, and the photographer of beach swept promo shots needs paying.

Winner : Despite 20,000 people listening to their Twitter, cold hard cash flies in the face of “online presence” and Key West have been licked good and proper by the bin titans of Key Waste.

 

So there you have it, folks. We made this as fair as possible, and by the end we were really rooting for the fellers of Key West to stage a comeback of epic proportions, but it wasn’t to be. According to this scientific study, the bottom line remains; a waste management company is more important to society, contributes more in terms of useful services, makes more revenue, and has had more number one hits than Key West.

 

Coming soon, Bosco Vs Glen Hansard; who is Irelands most talented redhead?

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